CHRISTMAS EXPERIENCE

In case you're have trouble, here's what it says: "As she
grew older, she cleared out more clutter and made room
for more matters of the heart."
 ~ Rachel Awes

It’s Wednesday now and on Sunday, I had a melt down, told Ken about feeling overwhelmed and ashamed and just really depressed.  When he listened, he followed it with the question, “What do you need?” and I knew and told him that I needed to take some time to write (give myself a good listening to) and he simply said to go do it… which I did.  I had only an hour, but in that time, something came to me that really helped: that just as all I want in all this activity is for people to love what I give them and that the presents and the pageantry and traditions kept are the trappings of what I’m trying to show them which is that I love them and want to be seen for loving them; just as that’s the essence of what I want, it is what all of them, my friends and loved ones, want from me.  AND… we’re just trying really hard not to disappoint each other.  I was lucky this year because it turned out that was just the mantra I needed. Fortunately, this insight was followed by a long promised afternoon with my five year old grand daughter.  She had so many plans for us (and I was winging it) that I had to choose what to start with: SLEDDING was just the ticket for both of us.  For me, it got me out of my head and worries, made me work a bit to climb back up that hill over and over as well as giving me the new pleasure of sliding down the hill on our grown-up sized commercial “inner-tube” slide.  For Rellie, it was just an adventure with Nana… and an excuse for popcorn and cocoa afterward.  All of this was part of learning to be more present; learning who I am and what I want, listening to the wisdom of my body, my intuition and the gifts from the Universe and trusting my process.

We also wrapped her presents for
Daddy, Felix and Leo

            It also made the next day, the day before Christmas, very different from years past.  My sweetheart invited me out for an early breakfast in celebration of our day together, but then, remembering how overwhelmed I’d been, added that we didn’t have to go if I felt there was too much to do.  I’d been thinking I shouldn’t, but what I spoke was the other side of it.  I sat down on the bed while he was putting his shoes on and told him, “I’d rather lighten up and enjoy my time with you.  I’d rather trust that it will all get done good enough.  Do you think we can handle it?”  We went.  We had fun, and we handled it all with love and joy in our hearts.  Because I had the uncharacteristic courage to risk losing  that (impossible) perfection I always imagine, I now know: I know I can do it!

The funny thing is, I know, with utter certainty that every one else who worries about it has the capacity to do it too.  You can stay present and prepare your Christmas traditions with love and joy in your heart.  The catch is you have to find your own way.